Romantic Love: Origin and Cultural Factors
Origin of Love and Cultural Implications: Love is not only a Western invention. A landmark study by Jankowiak and Fischer (1992) explored romantic love in 166 cultures around the world. They examined the following indicators of love: young lovers talk about passionate love, recount tales of love, sing love songs, and speak of the longings and anguish of infatuation. The researchers found that romantic love was present in 147 out of 166 cultures (88.5%) with no signs indicated in the remaining 19. These results showed that romantic love is nearly universal in the world. However, it is possible that people fall in love more or less often depending on their culture’s social organization and ideology, such as when their society approves or disapproves of it. People’s conceptions of passionate love appear to be surprisingly similar, yet, there is evidence that culture has a profound impact on people’s definitions of romantic love and on the way they think, feel, and behave in romantic settings.
Universal Love Ideals: Universal features primarily relate to evolutionary basics of mate selection important for people’s survival. Buss (1994) found that men and women in all societies preferred someone who possessed a dependable character, emotional stability and maturity, and a pleasing disposition. Many agree about the “core” characteristics of romantic love:
- the eros component of love (physical attraction)
- the essence of altruistic love (agape)
- the tendency of lovers to engage in intrusive thinking about the beloved
- a concept of transcendence: the feeling that the union of two lovers results in something more meaningful than just the two lovers.
Gender Differences: Gender had a some influence on mate preferences: Men valued the physical appearance and youth of their partners more than did women; women wanted that their mates possess high status and the resources necessary to protect themselves and their children than did men (Buss, 1994).
Cultural Differences: Culturally influenced values and traditional behaviors influence the expressions (rituals) and experiences of love, and transform passionate love as primarily based on a sexual attraction into romantic love as an idealized and culturally affected way of loving. For some traits—such as chastity, ambition, and preferred age—they are mostly driven by one’s culture (not one’s gender). In China, India, Indonesia, Iran, Israel (the Palestinian Arabs), and Taiwan, young people were insistent that their mate should be “chaste,” while in Finland, France, Norway, the Netherlands, Sweden, and West Germany, most judged chastity to be relatively unimportant.
Individualistic vs Collectivistic Cultures: Individualism and collectivism lead to differences in how people conceptualize themselves, and this has a significant impact on how they love and what they experience in love.
- Individualistic cultures such as the United States, Britain, Australia, Canada, and the countries of Northern and Western Europe focus more on: self-sufficiency, self-interest and the interest of one’s immediate family, personal autonomy and making your own decisions, individual initiative, and independence. Each person is a separate entity.
- Collectivist cultures such as China, many African and Latin American nations, Greece, southern Italy, and the Pacific Islands, on the other hand, induce people to subordinate personal motivation to the group’s interests, being loyal to the group that in turn looks after their interests. They encourage interdependence and suggest that group decisions are more important than individual ones. The individual is a part of more extended relationships.
At first, one might think individualistic cultures would be more empowered, experience love more often and stronger, especially as individualistic cultures perceive love-based marriage as an ideal. However, it is the opposite. A person’s motivation to be independent can actually conflict with the need for a romantic partner, affecting love for potential partners in a negative way, and decreasing likelihood of ever having been in love. Such people also more likely endorsed a ludic love style (as a game to have the most fun or to play to win, including deception, manipulation), which involves a less intimate perspective on love – low on commitment and high on emotional distance. Greater individualism was associated with a perception of their relationships as less rewarding and less deep, lower quality of experience of love for his or her partner, and report less happiness in their marriages as well as lower satisfaction with their family life and friends. However, people in individualistic cultures place a great emphasis on romantic love because when one perceives him/herself as an individual with boundaries and separate from other people, loving for someone else is the chance to break through those boundaries and escape the loneliness caused by being a separate individual. Love becomes the bridge that connects a person to another one. This connection, however, implies a person’s freedom. If a relationship does not give him/her what they expect, it is their choice whether to leave the relationship.
In collectivistic cultures, people emphasize the bonds they already have and experience the multiple relationships with their family and close friends as dependencies embedded in their lives. Therefore, when people make decisions in their romantic relationships, they take into account both what they think is best for them as well as how this affects their other relationships. Collectivism is related to the view of love as pragmatic, based on friendship, and having altruistic goals (which greater emphasizes a broader network of close friendships). Also, since each person is a part of the relationships, people do not expect it as necessary to verbally confirm those bonds by asking if another loves them or by announcing their love to someone else. Their love is expressed more by what they do than by what they say.
Examples –
- Several differences among individualism (US) and collectivism (Lithuania and Russia) occurred: Russians and Lithuanians perceived love as an unreal fairy tale and expect it at some point either to come to an end or to transfer to a more “real” love and enduring friendship-based relationship that lacks the initial excitement of romantic love. In the United States, participants perceived romantic love as more realistic and less illusionary, and that romantic love itself includes friendship. Lithuanians and Russians fall in love much more quickly (almost all within the first month) than Americans (mostly within 2-12 months), and are more likely to currently be in love (67% vs 58%).
- Cross-cultural differences appear also in the experience of love progression over the years. Ingersoll-Dayton, Campbell, Kurokawa, and Saito (1996) compared how marriages develop over the long term in the United States versus Japan. They found that in the United States marriages start out with a relatively high level of intimacy and the respective partners try to keep the intimacy of the relationship while maintaining a separate identity. Japanese marriages, on the other hand, are at first characterized by many obligations that the married couple has to the other people in their social relationships. The intimacy develops later in life when other close family members, to whom the couple had obligations, die and when the husband becomes more willing to share affection with the wife.
Expression of Love: Does a passionate and energetic Latin lover love more intensely than a quiet and reserved Nordic lover? Or do they just express their emotions differently? People can express their love explicitly or implicitly –
- Explicit / Direct Love Expressions – The passionate words, kind tone of voice, smiley facial expression, and special gestures
- Implicit / Indirect Love Expressions – Actions and doing something good to a partner
American culture, for example, stresses the importance of verbal expression of love to another, so Americans many times say to each other how they love. “I love you” – are so typical words for them which they use on daily basis. Sometimes, however, people do not need to be straight in their expressions because love can be implicitly interpreted as omnipresent and understood without words. In Filipino and Filipino American families, for example, the verbal expression of love is much more reserved for special occasions. They do not need to explicitly share their feelings for each other because it is known and understood. Perhaps Filipinos and Filipino Americans do not find it essential to express love (“Mahal” in Tagalog) in overt ways because it can be construed as excessive, showy, unnecessary “flaunting”, or too American (Nadal, 2012). Filipino, Filipino American, and Chinese romantic partners express and reveal their love indirectly, through actions – such as by sharing a laugh or listening to each other’s problems in nonjudgmental ways, or by working through hardships and keeping their promises to remain by each other’s sides.
Conclusion: Evolutionary psychology and neuroscience explain why passionate love is universal and equally intense in different cultures and universal features primarily relate to love experience, while culturally influenced factors pertain to different cultural rituals of love. The experience of being in love is colored by one’s cultural values and the society to which one belongs.
Other Attitudes towards Love
🇮🇳 India – Hindu philosopher Vatsayana, author of Kama Sutra, advised men and women to marry for love
🇪🇺 Europe – The Medieval Church condemned the “sinful indulgence” of marrying for love. In Medieval England, especially prior to the end of the 12th century, Christianity influenced the understanding of love. Love was mainly understood as self-sacrificing and unselfish, implying a harmonious, compassionate, affectionate, and benevolent relationship. Friendship between people rather than a romantic sentiment, and might include sexual attraction or not.
🏴 England – In the period from the end of the 12th century through to 14th century, English literature was gradually becoming less preoccupied with religious topics and grew to be more concerned with ideas of courtly love. From that time romantic feelings were discussed in literature intensely. This was a substantial change in attitude toward love. Many new expressions for love and tenderness came to English, mostly from the French literature where the phenomenon of courtly love had been developed. According to Lewis (1936, 1960), the courtly worship and idealization of a woman was the religion of devotional love. The key feature of courtly love was suffering and longing due to separation from the loved one. In the 16th-17th centuries (“age of Shakespeare”), love was described as a consuming passion, strong illness, or powerful force that is impossible to resist. An increased amount of attention was paid to emotion and romantic imagination. In the Victorian era, romantic love was considered to be a delicate, spiritual feeling—the antithesis of crude, animal lust. The concept of courtly love developed in many parts of Western and Northern Europe. It spread more slowly to Russia (18th century).
🇪🇺 Modern Europe – The major processes that influenced the understanding of romantic love in the 20th century was relaxation of sexual morals in Europe and the “sexual revolution” of the 1960s to early 1970s. Furthermore, some expressions concerning love began to refer to sexual desire. Thus, throughout time, people have interpreted love variously and embraced different attitudes toward romantic love; they ascribed different meanings to “love.” The concept of love, as well as related words, feelings, and behaviors have been in flux.
🇨🇳 China – Attitudes got stricter over time. In BCE, the ancients assumed that love and sexual pleasure were the great joys of life. In the 11th century, sexuality was repressed – the purpose was to procreate and men were allowed to seek sexual satisfaction from multiple women due to their biological needs (concubines among the wealthy), women’s purpose was to give birth thus should also remain faithful to their husbands. A concubine might be treated either like a sexual servant or even high status in the family if the male felt a strong connection with her. In Communist China (1940s), romantic love became extremely more frowned upon – described as a “waste of energy and time”, even attraction or sexual desire or casual flirtation. True happiness is based on the collective welfare and spiritual enjoyment, as opposed to the individual’s happiness and material enjoyment (or love or sexual desire). In the 1990s, globalization reversed this.
🇨🇳 China – Fated and predestined love – Called “yuan” in Chinese. In Britain, it is present also. Parental approval and importance of appropriate behavior are also moreso important parts of love in China as compared to other countries’ culture.
Sexual Activity
🇪🇬 Egypt – Early Egyptians practiced birth control
🇬🇷 Greece – Classical Greeks rewarded couples who were willing to conceive
Sumerian and Babylonian temples were staffed by priests, priestesses, and sacred prostitutes
Oppression
Due to Ancient Muslims’ jealousy, they locked their wives and concubines away in harems
Ancient Hebrews stoned “godless” prostitutes
Weddings
- General – “First look” – Couples will split up in the morning and the groom will only next see the bride walking down the aisle.
- Hebrew – “First look” – In Jewish tradition, the groom will unveil the bride’s veil during the ketubah signing. The tradition started based on a story in the Hebrew Bible wherein Jacob was tricked into marrying the sister of the woman he loved because the sister was veiled.
- Jewish – To end the wedding ceremony, the breaking of the glass by the groom signifies the destruction of the Temple in Jerusalem. Everyone responds by yelling “Mazel tov” (congrats).
- 🇮🇳 India – Bride has 6 months after the wedding to renege on it (i.e. if the man is bad in bed or does not give her children). Arranged marriages are the norm as arranged marriages are called “marriages” and non-arranged are called “love marriages”.
- Orthodox Jewish Weddings – During the reception, men will dance and do “schtick” in front of the seating bride and groom (funny group or solo dances, playful magic tricks without talking, little skits with props)
- Eastern European Weddings – The best man and bachelor party will playfully steal the bride sometime during the wedding and “ransom” her off to the groom, in exchange for drinks, money, etc.
Funny Customs
- Due to inhabitants being related to each other and in order to prevent genetic defects, Iceland has a radar mobile app called “Bump” where two people can bump their phones together and it will either stop or give the go-ahead to make relations with each other.
- 🇩🇪 Germany – If you do not maintain eye contact during toasting, you will be cursed with bad intercourse for seven years.
Shared Affections, Greetings
- Maori (natives of New Zealand and Hawaii) – Hongi is a traditional greeting by touching foreheads and noses and “sharing the breath of life” (instead of a handshake). In Maori mythology, God breathed life into the first woman through her nostrils.
- Inuit (natives of Arctic regions of Greenland, Canada and Alaska) – A kunik, nicknamed “Eskimo kiss” by early explorers who observed the practice, is a nose kiss / nose rub – pressing one’s nose and upper lip up against one another’s as a form of friendly and intimate greeting.It is done because often the eyes and nose are exposed in the cold. The Inuit prefer the term “kunik” as they consider “Eskimo” a slur. Similarly to the Maori’s Hongi, the greeters inhale during the kiss which presses the participants’ upper lips together with suction. Mongolian nomads of the Gobi Desert have a similar practice, as do certain Southeast Asian cultures, such as Bengalis, Cambodians, Laotians, Thai, Vietnamese, Timor, Sabu, Sumba and Ibans. Nose kissing is also employed as a traditional greeting by Arab tribesmen when greeting members of the same tribe.
- 🇯🇵 Japan – Not big on body language and public touching is unwelcome during conversations, especially between opposite sexes – even while in intimate relationships and the female halves wear tight skirts.
Dating
🇫🇷 France – Eye contact is important and romantic love in France can be classical such as the females appreciate the cliche flowers, candlelit tables in a restaurant – the best type of rendezvous, and doors open for them. They are not afraid of public acts of affection – whether in the park or movie theaters. Although they have this French stigma, such as of showy affection of the “bec” (double cheek kiss greeting), the French are still less demonstrative with public affections compared to, for example, Italians, are more guarded initially, and are private about their romantic lives and feelings of love to others external to the relationship.
Most first dates happen in groups. There is never talk about going “exclusive.” Generally, the French are romantic so the mere act of “seeing someone” and being affectionate means you are exclusive and they would be upset if you are dating someone else.
🇸🇳 Senegal – Senegalese tend to stand closely to one another during casual conversation. Also it is normal for men to hold hands. The patriarchal aspects of the culture are apparent – females (both mothers and wives) will satisfy every need of the oldest “man of the house” without them lifting a finger, such as fetching a simple glass of water.
🇧🇷 Brazil – Affection and kissing on first date is normal. Men are expected to be a “macho” like other Latin countries – men encourage each other to flirt with women constantly.
🇺🇸 United States of America – People can date casually without marriage in mind, however, people can early on have a talk about going “exclusive”, on whether they are only seeing each other. Many people decide to split the check.
🇬🇧 Britain / United Kingdom – Most first dates involve heavy drinking at a pub.
🇮🇳 India – Dating culture is predominantly for the purposes of marriage.
🇷🇺 Russia and Eastern Europe – Very old-fashioned. Men take care of the women and women take their femininity very serious – bringing up how good they are at cooking, etc.
🇯🇵 Japan – Dating is not a high priority until later in life. Dates are done as group dates. Although interest is very subtle at first because they are not direct with physical touch, relationships don’t start until there is an explicit confession of love for the other.
🇨🇳 China – Men are expected to make all of the decisions and it is normal to text and call multiple times a day.
🇮🇸 Iceland – One night stands are commonplace, however, since it is very small, rumor can spread if you are going out with different people. It is common for women to make the first move.
🇦🇪 UAE – Premarital sex is illegal. Initial communications happen on dating apps and dating happens in malls.
Sources: https://scholarworks.gvsu.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1135&context=orpc